Friday the 13th. I don’t go with this superstition stuff but Friday the 13th March 2020, wow, you unleashed hell did you not?
My father died. He wasn’t supposed to. It wasn’t expected. I found him in the evening after I could not reach him on the phone. The good news is he knew nothing and did not suffer.
Dad, you hated computers and I doubt they have the internet in heaven or wherever you might have gone. I do not believe you are dead completely, I believe you have moved off somewhere else. I hope you are with Mum now. It would be a nice thing if you could read this.
I can’t believe I am in a position to need to write this, yet fate says I must. I shall look to the positives of your good life and that only in the last ten years did you suffer ill health. I shall thank you for providing for me during my childhood, for all the support you gave as I turned into an Adult and spread my wings. For your forgiveness that you gave when I stepped off the rails once or twice. Because of this I stayed close and helped you, where I could, as best as I could.
You have the most beautiful Granddaughter and I know you were so proud. She misses you terribly but I am helping her see how much you loved her. She is strong in mind and recognises her role to honour you to to have a good and successful life. I have to tell you that telling her that you had departed this earth was the most painful thing I have ever had to do.
I will see to your estate Dad. I can’t say you will be totally happy with all my decisions but, as you said to me, it is my problem now. Challenge accepted, as it always is.
I know you didn’t mean to die. The decision was made in your failing body. You had no say. I am sorry you died alone, well apart from the cat. Tiger is safe and well. He has a new and safe home and he will be loved.
I have heard so many good words about you Dad. Your neighbours really enjoyed chats with you. Helena and Sharon loved the gardening tips. David also enjoyed your company. Dorothy is very sad to hear you are no longer able to talk to her, she enjoyed your little chats. You see you made a difference in many peoples lives, maybe you didn’t realise. You will be missed in this time and place.
Which leaves me. I haven’t cried so much for years. I dreaded this time, which I knew must come. I valued you in so many ways, more so as I got older. I’m so sorry you didn’t get the operation you needed in time. We tried so hard. Fate decided we would fail. So damn annoying, so difficult not to search for blame. Our time is limited on this earth so we can only delay the inevitable.
I feel lost and lonely. Its an odd feeling. I am 50 years old and I have my own family now, but you were always my Dad. Now the reins have been severed forever. It is only now that I realised how much I actually loved you. We could say that before, too manly for that, punch on the arm or a shake of the hand.
I saved you once, when impending cardio failure threatened. I got you help, and drugs and expertise that saved your life. I was so glad I did that. I cried a lot then too, I never told you. I could not save you this time, I didn’t have a chance. You didn’t have a chance to hit the button I gave you. I would never have got there in time. I am so sorry.
Dad, we are going to miss you, I am going to miss you. Your teachings will live on in Holly and myself. We will make you proud. I will see you placed in your resting place and I will see Mum placed with you. It is how it should be. And you will have a stone to honour you both for generations to see.
I don’t want to end, it seems final, but I know I must. The tears, they flow once more.
Goodbye Dad, I love you and I thank you. xx
